Derek has been hit with something I thought everyone had. But he apparently has never had this before. He is mad at himself. He has learned about self-loathing. And not even for any good reason. I’ve always had it, for not doing housework, for eating enough for 3 people every day, for not going running, for not reading scriptures every day, etc, etc, etc.

Derek is now in the home stretch of finishing his PhD. He has finished his course work, and is writing his dissertation. I never went to graduate school, mostly because I didn’t want to have to write any great big papers. My max is about 6 pages, and even those ones took me months. So I know it can be hard, but I don’t ever want to experience anything that hard.

With 4 months left to go, Derek has writer’s block. He goes to work every day, he has a schedule, he has a date for his defense. Why is it so hard when the end is near? He came home today and said he would be willing to stay home with the kids if I wanted to go back to school and get a job. It is incredibly tempting, since I have discovered how unsuited I am to the life of a nurturer, but I would never make enough money to support a family of 5 by playing the organ. And Derek doesn’t like to cook.

I wish I could help him somehow. I would help him write, if I could. I can’t even read the stuff he writes.

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