I’m such a snob. I have so many snobberies they are hard to count. Many of them involve food. Sometimes I wish I weren’t a snob, so I could sit back and enjoy some of the things other people seem to enjoy, but I just can’t do it. I have converted Derek to the dark side, so at least we don’t have conflicts of interest when it comes to dining out, which we do often. I’m not aware of any cure for snobbishness.
1. I cannot abide a restaurant that calls itself something it’s clearly and blatantly NOT. I won’t go to any place that claims to be Mexican if it has no corn tortillas, soft tacos, Sidral Mundet, black beans, or fresh cilantro, or if everything on the menu has at least four pounds of cheese on it. I lived in Mexico for a year, and I love real Mexican food. There are many, many offenders in this category. Usually, they are chains. I also hate the two ubiquitous and tasteless “Italian” places that everyone seems to love, and will stand in line for an hour to dine at. No squishy bread for me, thank you very much.
2. Which brings me to my next. “Italian butter” comes from Italian cows, just like American butter comes from American cows. It is not green, you cannot pour it, and you don’t mix it with vinegar at fake Italian restaurants. I love a good olive oil, that has a flavorful, fruity taste, and bright green color. Not gray, green. Not yellow. GREEN.
3. Every restaurant, except awesome Asian ones where the menus are in Engrish, should spell-check their menu before printing it. And a little editing is never amiss. Whether or not it’s a typo from a crappy typist (like poor little me), or blatant disregard for the rules of the English language (or whichever language dominates the ethnic region of origin for the food), I can’t stand reading menus that are full of mistakes. My favorite is the place where you can get cremé brùleè. Why put in a bunch of random accents? Why not just learn which ones go where?
4. Also, please teach your waiters how to pronounce the items on the menu. I was at an Italian place once, and ordered bruschetta. The cute little waitress said, “Oh, you mean bruSHetta?” I couldn’t believe she would correct the pronunciation of a customer without knowing herself what was correct. I haughtily responded, “Yes, and it’s brusKetta, by the way, not bruSHetta.” My poor Derek was mortified.
5. When a waiter comes to the table and crouches down so as to be level with the people at the table, I cringe. Unless it’s a restaurant with red and white checked tablecloths that specializes in grilled cheese sandwiches for 4-year-olds, I think waiters should take orders, and not try to be best friends with their customers.
6. I also think waiters should occasionally scan the table to see if anything is amiss. For instance, if one of the customers has clearly not been served while everyone else at the table is half finished, I think the waiter should try to notice, rather than waiting to be questioned, and being surprised that he had missed anything. I say “he” because this happened yesterday, and “Chief,” as one of the other ladies at the lunch called him, looked so confused when it was pointed out that someone had not been served. He also asked half of us if we would like refills on our drinks, but neglected the other half. Maybe it was his first day.
7. And speaking of waiters, I will not want to return to a restaurant if the waiter tells me I’m making a mistake by not ordering the all-you-can-eat meat-fest. I choose what my “money’s worth” is, and it has nothing to do with the amount of food I can stuff into my belly in a short period of time. Especially if it’s all meat. Ugh.
8. Another one about the menu. I think things are easily misrepresented on menus to people who are not familiar with a certain cuisine. A good example is the wonderful experience Derek and I had recently while trying what we thought would be exciting authentic Peruvian food. A french fry by any other name…
9. I’m sad when a restaurant uses ingredients that are clearly inferior. Derek and I went to an Italian place for our anniversary once, and ordered Chicken Marsala, which can be fantastic, unless you use the cheap, disgusting supermarket cooking wine, and the cheapest, oldest chicken you can find. It was dog food. It looked, smelled, and tasted like dog food. I’d just as soon stay home and eat cold cereal for dinner, than order something that comes out and resembles dog food.
10. I can only think of 9 of my snobberies about restaurants. Or maybe… I’m just quitting before you think I’m too snobby to even call an acquaintance. I usually only bring up one or two snobberies at a time, so as not to drive anyone away. Everyone has a few, right? Do you have a restaurant snobbery that deserves the #10 spot?
H. I. P. 
May 1, 2007 at 2:28 pm
I’m with you 100%, surprised?
Olive Garden ‘breadsticks’ are DISGUSTING. I hate when I hear people talk about how good they are because they AREN’T. Tasteless, mealy, bad chewy, poorly textured, nasty rancid ‘garlic’ salt flavor.
I once got into a fight with a server over lard in refried beans. It was one of those places that styles itself as Nuevo Mexican. They stated on their menu proudly that their beans contained no lard. I was joking at first with the server when I asked if she could have the kitchen put back in the lard. She said, “Ewwww! Why would you do that? That’s disgusting.” I said something like lard isn’t disgusting; it’s what makes refried beans taste GOOD; it’s what makes them taste velvety and GOOD. We eventually had to agree to disagree (although I was right.) You shouldn’t be surprised to learn that that restaurant went out of business.
May 1, 2007 at 2:46 pm
I knew the second I read the title of this post that I was going to love reading it. I think you and I should start a snobbery club, and then we can be all elitist about everything without the guilt. I have certain “rules” that I follow when it comes to choosing restaurants. Among them is that I won’t eat at a Chinese restaurant if there’s no Chinese people inside. The real Chinese restaurants (at least where I live) are the ones that are full of Chinese people and where they actually have the “Chinese menu” and the “American menu.” i.e. they put the really good, authentic stuff on the Chinese menu and the American menu which has the boring dishes that everyone expects to eat.
I completely agree on the crouching waiters issue, nothing irriates me more and I find their “friendliness” to be incredibly fake. So for more reasons than I want to get into right now, this is probably the reason why there are so few restaurants I’ll eat at. To me, a bad meal at a restaurant has got to be one of the most tragic experiences you can have.
May 1, 2007 at 6:43 pm
So, I think you should write a blog about your favorite restaurants. I’m always looking for new restaurants to try, and it would interesting to see what makes your list.
May 1, 2007 at 6:44 pm
OH! Great topic!
I hate it when a server doesn’t know the menu. I love to ask as many questions as I can before I order and absolutely despise when a waiter is stumbles out, “Um, I think…that…” looks at your menu and reads out loud the description as if you hadn’t thought of that before.
I want to be sold the food, like I want to be sold really great shoes.
May 1, 2007 at 8:30 pm
I’d be willing to bet that I, coming from New Mexico, and you could disagree over some of the finer points as to what constitutes a good Mexican Restaurant. I have not found a good Mexican eatery in this valley since Rosa’s closed; and even Rosa’s was only that… good but not great. Granted I haven’t tried in a while, out of sheer sorrow and frustration. I would love to take you to El Pinto or Gardunos if we ever were to be in Albq at the same time… salsa, carna adovada, sopapillas, beans and rice and the GREEN CHILI! Here is an interesting fact… green chili is hotter than red… and it has NOTHING to do with tomatillas or jalapenos. I miss green chili. I PINE for authentic roasted chili, the kind that’ll take the top of your head off with one bite.
I guess that’s my snobbery and my downfall together. Anytime I see the words Green Chili on a menu I am helpless and must order it. The closest I have come to actual chili that I have not imported myself in this State? Green Chili Cheeseburger from Burger Supreme.
May 1, 2007 at 8:30 pm
Was it Mama Rosas?
May 1, 2007 at 9:41 pm
bon, have you tried the Red Iguana in SLC? I am no expert on authentic Mexican, but their moles are amazing.
May 2, 2007 at 6:00 am
OK, as a copy editor, I COULD NOT AGREE MORE on number 3. Cheese louise is that annoying! And ditto on number 4. I cannot deal with restaurant people who refer to “MARS-capone” cheese or “chipULti” peppers. As for number 8, one of the things I copyedit is a food club magazine, and they are always trying to make the menus of their events sound all whoop-de-do with fancy words, and when I look them up, I found out their talking about things that have perfectly good English names. As for Mexican, it would be interesting to compare — my mom lives in a Tex-Mex area and I have a cookbook from there with stuff in it that I love, but I suspect it’s been adapted to Texan palates.
May 2, 2007 at 6:02 am
OK, the irony that I just ranted about being a copy editor and then I used the wrong their/there/they’re is not lost on me. I meant “they’re” not their.
May 2, 2007 at 6:34 am
Azucar, those things are neither bread nor sticks. And garlic salt is from the devil himself.
Clara, we do the same with any ethnic restaurant, but it has backfired on occasion. The Peruvian place had Peruvians in it…
Crystal, there aren’t currently any restaurants in Utah valley that I endorse, but in Salt Lake, there’s Martine. It’s tapas, and we’ve been stunned both times we’ve been.
C Jane, I could have done the whole post on how to train a waiter to be a waiter and not a bumbling fool. That guy at Thai Chili Garden was cute but clueless.
Yeah bon, the Red Iguana, you should try that. They do a brisk business, and much of their clientele is Mexican. I don’t think I know what you mean by “green chili” if it’s not the stuff with tomatillos. I guess it’s not salsa verde. I also think that my preference is regional. I lived in central Mexico, and northern, up by Ca, Az, and Tx is different.
Elizasmom, ditto. I just consider Tex-Mex a different cuisine. As long as they call it what it is, I’m fine. I cringe knowing you’re a copy editor reading my poor grammar and my typos, I always read everything several times, but stuff slips through. And the their/there/they’re thing, I think it’s muscle memory. Your hands just type what they want.
May 2, 2007 at 10:12 am
Regarding “bruschetta:”
You have to allow for some adaptive behavior in language… Americans will always prefer to say bru-SHET-a, chi-PUL-tay, mars-ca-PONE, cru-SONT, and many will continue to say NUC-u-ler thanks to the fine example of our glorious leader.
May 2, 2007 at 8:19 pm
I beg to differ on the “garlic salt” bit. Costco has a a garlic and sea salt grind-yer-own thingy (like a pepper mill) that I can really get behind. It ain’t fresh… but it’s decent and fast!
May 2, 2007 at 8:25 pm
Oh, and green chili is just that… a green chili, as in not yet ripened to the point of red. They are by nature hotter because their flavor has not yet mellowed with the ripening process.
New Mexico is possibly the only State that has a State question alongside the State Bird, Flag and Motto. Every restaurant worth it’s salt will ask you if “you want that with red or green chili?”
January 3, 2009 at 1:29 pm
And………. how about the waiter that takes away the plates from the diners who have finished, leaving others (usually me as I take my time eating) to feel pressured into eating more quickly or leaving what is left. Immediately when this happens my husband and I look at each other and say “they just lost a point!”. Sometimes my husband will say “no” to having his plate removed stating that “madam hasn’t finished yet”. Don’t know if they ‘get it’ though.