I find myself wandering. Not so much wandering, really, as walking with a physical destination, but without joy in the trip. I was walking to my car in the parking lot of Trader Joe’s (yes, I’ll keep rubbing it in for those of you who have no TJ’s) and thinking how nice it would be if I could just drive home to my one-room apartment where I live with my goldfish, and read a book until 3:00 in the morning, eating a whole box of ginger-lemon cookies, and wake up in the morning with only me to get dressed and ready for work. Or maybe I even have a job where I can come in when I want. I’m Sandra Bullock, in While You Were Sleeping.

Except I know if that were really my life, I would mope around, joyless, wishing I had a fantastic husband and some fantastically beautiful children to take care of, cook for, teach to read (OK, the husband already knows how to read), and shepherd.

It’s not like I’m waiting for something. Overall, I’m pretty satisfied. But why do I get that empty feeling? Is that a symptom of being human? Does everyone get that? Does everyone feel useless, boring, and unimportant? I’m sorry, but no amount of knitting, or cooking crazy ethnic foods, or some other third thing, can make up for the fact that those are really inconsequential abilities. I have lots of those. Inconsequential abilities, that is.

I think I’m moping. Derek’s in bed, sick, still. Everyone else went to bed pretty much without a fight, so here I am. I went to the church to practice the organ today, only to discover the horrendousness of the poor “instrument.” It’s an electronic Allen organ, and it’s pitiful. It has no pipes. It whines, and has feedback from the speakers. It’s one of the reasons people think they don’t like organ music. I’m supposed to play a musical number in church on the 30th, but I am a little afraid I won’t be able to get anything ready by then, and more afraid that I won’t be able to make anything sound nice. I’m also afraid they will veto my choice. I get the feeling this ward might be one of those “hymns only” wards. Don’t get me started there. I think, as a graduate with a music degree from the church’s university, in organ performance* no less, I am qualified to make appropriate selections for music in church, but some people think their authority —- actually, I’m just gonna leave that one.

I feel like I’m fighting against the Nothing. Or what did Alvin Maker call it? The Unmaker. Yeah. And I’m losing.

*OK, so I don’t really have BM in organ performance. But I almost got it. I skipped 3 requirements my last year, because I decided no one would ever care if I got the BM or the BA, and whaddaya know? I was right!

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