Everyone in my family has crappy teeth. We all get too many cavities (it couldn’t possibly be the horrific amounts of candy we all eat. It must be genetic.), and we all have had to have fillings and root canals, plus a few extractions. I never used to be afraid of the dentist, until I started getting abscesses, and the resulting root canals and crowns. I once had a crown crack in two, and the tooth cracked right along with it. I had to get it pulled. For some reason, the Novocaine never works very well on me, so they end up pumping me with 7 or 8 shots, and I can still feel it. Well, getting a tooth pulled sucks, especially if you can feel it going on. I don’t know if it sucks as bad as what happened to my brother, though.
Isaac is a magnet for negative cosmic energy. People pick on him for no reason. The laws of physics conspire against him, and worlds collide to render him uncomfortable. I am not making this up. He gets way more than his share of bad luck, but I’m not going to tell you all the tragic stories today. Just one.
Isaac had recently gotten a new crown for one of those awful root canals. The dentist affixed the crown with temporary glue, instead of permanent, so that Isaac could wear it for a while and decide first if he liked the crown before it went in there permanently.
About a week after he got it, of course it loosened itself and fell out. Not wanting to waste a $400 crown, Isaac planned to keep it and return to the dentist. Having nowhere better, he decided to leave it in his mouth. After all, who wants to keep a tooth in their pocket, with all that lint, and who knows what else?
Just after finishing the last bite of his burger at lunch, Isaac suddenly realized that his crown was no longer in his mouth. OK, this part might have involved a tiny bit of lack of common sense, but read on.
Angered at himself, but nevertheless determined not to waste $400, Isaac descended upon a plan wherewith to retrieve his crown. You may be able to guess what his plan involved. Initial attempts at vomiting the crown out were unsuccessful, “probably,” he says, “because I ate it and it went right down to the bottom of my stomach, under the burger.” So he waited until the opportune moment and, armed with a quart sized Ziploc bag, he “sh– (rhymes with scat) in the bag.” He described to me the benefits of the bag. Apparently it is much easier to squish around if you first let all the air out of the bag.
The first attempt resulted in nothing, but never losing hope, Isaac persevered through a second. And Eureka! He found the crown. He fished it out of the bag of his own poo, and was rinsing it off in the bathroom sink, when Mom came downstairs and inquired about his activities. He tried to tell her several times that this was a clear case of “You don’t want to know,” but she pressed him until he explained.
Thoroughly grossed out, Mom left, only to hear a solid stream of profanity emanating from the bathroom shortly thereafter. Isaac had, of course, dropped the crown, and it had, of course, gone right down the drain. My compassionate mom went in to help him retrieve it again. They dismantled the sink and drain, and were able to rescue the treasure.
Isaac thoroughly cleaned the crown, and then took it to the dentist, who glued it right back into Isaac’s mouth. I can honestly and quite literally say that I am glad my teeth are not as crappy as Isaac’s.
January 22, 2008 at 3:15 pm
That is the best story I have heard in a long, long time.
We, too, have teeth prone to cavities. The minute they have all their adult teeth (or most of them) I am getting sealant for the kids; it will save us money, heartache, and toothache.
January 22, 2008 at 3:24 pm
My oral hygienist always comments on what nice, rock-solid teeth I have. I’ve had some cavities, but nothing like Isaac’s teeth problems, and nothing in the last ~10 years.
I’m sure Isaac’s story sounds truly extraordinary to those of you who aren’t acquainted with him. It even sounds *just a little* extreme to me, but believe us when we tell you, that man has cosmic forces arrayed against him.
He also, more than likely has other cosmic forces allied with him, and somewhere in the universe hundreds of kittens are dying every day just to balance out the doom that he is magically spared during the course of his misadventures.
January 22, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Gosh! This is so hard. I hope that Isaac’s cosmic forces re-align themselves soon. Nobody should have that much bad luck! There is no excuse those cosmic forces could offer to justify it. Cudos though for your mom to dismantle the sink! I would not have known what to do! She is an exceptional person!
January 22, 2008 at 8:05 pm
That is, quite possibly, the greatest story I have ever heard.
January 22, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Azucar, I remember getting the sealant. I can’t imagine how bad my teeth would have been without it. I’ve had 3 root canals and one extraction.
NungNung, why did you get the good teeth? Dentists always tell me what pretty teeth I have, until they see the back.
Mama, it’s true, nobody should have as much bad luck as Isaac has. There’s really no explanation. I would never wish upon any of my fellow humans the things that befall that brother of mine.
January 22, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Thanks, La Yen. I mean, I guess thanks because I wrote it down. I’ll be sure and thank Isaac for giving me permission to retell it.
January 22, 2008 at 8:53 pm
ewwwwwww. That’s all I have to say.
January 22, 2008 at 9:44 pm
He had it glued back in his mouth?!! I don’t know if I could find a disinfectant strong enough…
January 22, 2008 at 9:48 pm
I have no words. ::shudder::
January 22, 2008 at 9:54 pm
I am laughing my butt off. You couldn’t make up something like this, if you tried.
January 22, 2008 at 11:31 pm
AH hahahahahaaaa! and EW! and then again… MAH hahahahahaaaaaa!
January 23, 2008 at 8:33 am
Oh. My. Gosh.
That’s hysterical.
January 23, 2008 at 10:19 am
I’m still joining you all in a collective shudder, chortle, gag, snort.
January 23, 2008 at 6:45 pm
I have the worst teeth EVER. I have two that need crowns right now simply due to the fact that they have so many fillings in them it’s only a matter of time before they fail forever.
Oh how I hate the dentist…
but the poop…eww the poop! that takes the cake
January 24, 2008 at 12:17 pm
That man’s determination is unbelievable. I’m totally impressed and completely grossed out. I hope the dentist did some heavy-duty disinfecting.
I also am very immune to novocaine. It sucks.
January 25, 2008 at 11:05 am
That is some serious bad luck, how about a book deal?
Also, I’m a dental hygienist, and that’s not the first time I’ve heard that senerio. You’re right, people do NOT want to waste that cash.
One of my favorites from the office was the dog that ate the denture. I guess that can be a word to the wise for Isaac when he’s about 85. . . keep it away from the dog!!
January 25, 2008 at 12:08 pm
THAT is FANTASTIC!!
I can’t believe they glued it back in his head after he pulled it out of his a$$. Wow.
January 27, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Poor Isaac! But waste not, want not! Great story!