I just finished reading an article in the New York Times that has given me resolve to never wish for cosmetic surgery again. “Is the ‘Mom Job’ really necessary?” by Natasha Singer. I feel like screaming, but I’ll try to keep my voice down.
Even before I had children, I did not love the look or shape of my body. Since I was 13, I’ve always had a poochy belly, huge saggy breasts, oddly square hips, and slightly lumpy thighs. I’ve always felt self conscious about these things, though not enough to do particularly much about it. I’ve been a runner on and off, and have kept my weight just at the top of “normal” on those ridiculous charts they used to have in the doctor’s office that tell you “if you are this tall, then you should weigh this much.”
After I had my three children, and my breasts grew from cantaloupe size to honeydew size, and then shrunk back again, and my poochy belly was a saggy, poochy belly with purple stripes, I was only a tiny bit more self conscious, but my husband kept reassuring me that what I had was still beautiful, just not the same. Like how a sunset is beautiful, and a mango is beautiful, but they are different beautiful things. At the same time, I always thought it would be nice to get breast reduction surgery when I was done nursing babies. I would finally feel normal. I would not distract every male in a 2 mile radius (OK, that’s my cute, jealous husband talking. I never really notice people staring, except in Latin countries). And the lower back pain would stop. And the neck pain that happens when I practice the piano or organ.
I never thought this surgery was a big deal, except for the miraculous change I imagined in my self image. Then I became a feminist. And by feminist, I mean a person who thinks females are good, smart, worthy, capable, and undeserving of societal stigmas that demean or prevent accomplishment. One such societal stigma is the idea that the female shape should ideally be long, gaunt, and bony, and if a female does not fit this shape, she is somehow lazy, stupid, unproductive, or there’s simply something wrong with her. Or even that she is a victim, having the “ultimate indignity” of saggy breasts thrust upon her as a result of her choice to create a child.
I have long resented magazines, television, and other pervasive media that perpetuate the idea that unhealthy bodies are beautiful. The sheer volume of TV shows with anorexic-looking stars infiltrates our minds and implants this notion that we, too, should look like those tiny girls. Yet, even as I know intellectually that I’m being manipulated, I fantasize about being so skinny that my thighs don’t touch when my feet are together, or having a concave abdomen to mount a cute navel-ring, even to have a flat chest like so many boy-shaped actresses.
And to prey on my poor self image, plastic surgeons are now marketing “the mommy job,” a package deal which includes a tummy tuck, a breast lift with or without implants, and liposuction. As Ms. Singer called it in her article, it is a “surgical cure for the ravages of motherhood.” The idea that bearing children causes deformity in the mother is so absurd, and the prospect of a “cure” for this aberration makes me want to move with my little girl to a different planet. Do I require a cure? Am I so defective that I need to be cut open and reconfigured?
I just read the article an hour ago, and have only just begun to boil about it.
Here’s some more.
October 4, 2007 at 2:35 pm
One of the things that kills me is the following quote is a subtext to this phenomena…
“There is more pressure on mothers today to look young and sexy than on previous generations, she added. “I don’t think it was an issue for my mother; your husband loved you no matter what,” said Ms. Birkland, who recently remarried.”
The idea that if we do not look the way we did when we married our husbands, AFTER we deliver children, that our husbands will leave us. And the truly jacked up part of our culture nowadays… some WILL leave, and partly because we are creating a sense of entitlement in men. Like a successful man is entitled to have sex with a hottie… that his wife should be a hottie, and women are validating this BS by trying to provide the impossible.
Boil away, my friend.
October 4, 2007 at 3:16 pm
Yeah, I caught that one too. What rubbish. The idea that your husband won’t love you if you still look human? I spit upon that idea. That poor, stupid woman.
October 4, 2007 at 5:11 pm
I believe you hit the nail on the head with this one, friend.
I watch Dr. 90210 (I will admit) because I am fascinated by how far people will go in modifying their own bodies.
I will also admit that I dream about looking like a Victoria’s Secret model, but I’m pretty sure that those girls don’t exist in reality.
At least I know that I’m real, and I’m okay with that. Most days anyway!
October 4, 2007 at 6:27 pm
AMEN!! Or should I say, awomen!
October 4, 2007 at 7:27 pm
Yes! Another point that never gets brought up in these sorts of articles is that shortcuts don’t truly change who you are and how you approach your life. Lipo can suck away belly fat, but it ultimately won’t do anything for the body issues you may have tied up in with your appearance. I think it’s no accident, but rather an expression of pathology, that so many women end up having multiple procedures as they chase perfection, and their surgeons are little more than pushers.
Oh, and the fact that you’re spending $10K that you could be using to send your kids to a good school. Not that I’m judging at all.
October 4, 2007 at 7:27 pm
[…] I love what Sarah wrote, especially this […]
October 4, 2007 at 8:12 pm
I feel your rage, all of you. You’re right, of course. Let me just play devil’s advocate though: I read that article, and it sounded to me like it was confirming your feelings; that this is a bad industry and some fairly insidious marketing to boot.
Did I mis-read the article? Now, in defense of all your rage, I’m male, so what do I know, right?… However, I tend to see the mistake of that article as being too subtle in its judgment of the cosmetic surgery industry, rather than, as seems to be suggested here, supporting the industry and pushing some bad stereotypes. The phrases that stand out as hideously wrong, I think were being showcased in the article specifically because they’re hideously wrong ideas.
Maybe I’m being too generous in interpreting the article as critical of cosmetic surgery and the culture that feeds it, but I think from the author’s point of view perhaps she’s trying not to sound like she’s passing judgment on all the women who’ve succumbed to the pressure. Perhaps she’s carefully trying to make a caricature of it so that women like you will get angry and fight harder for your own self-image… and even do everything you can to spread that to your friends.
Anyway, even if I am being too generous and the article was just non-committal rather than an aggressive critique, It seems to me like the net effect, as demonstrated here, is probably still a positive one.
So yes, feel good about yourselves. And if your lover tells you that you’re beautiful, don’t deny it. Young boys and immature men are the ones who feed the stereotypes, but some of us dads grow up and learn the appeal of real women.
The statue linked here was likely made more than 20,000 years ago: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venus_of_Willendorf)
There’s no guarantee that a man made it, and the wikipedia article even suggests that there’s speculation that a woman made it as a self-portrait. Regardless of who made it, in my mind this is one of the most enduring images of woman-hood, both because it has survived for so long, and because in all of art history, and especially in contrast to recent western art history, it’s one of few that idealizes the truth about womanhood, rather than idealizing the fantasy that adolescent boys (of all ages) love so much.
October 4, 2007 at 9:41 pm
nungnung – You make some very good points, and I for one appreciate you raising them. I know that in my reaction I lumped the article and the phenomenon it describes together, and if I back up and unpack that a little bit, it is certainly the cultural impetus that drives this industry, and the industry itself, that make me more angry than the fact that someone wrote about them.
Still, I don’t feel the reporter spent enough time on the other side. I know that she is supposed to be unbiased as a journalist, so it’s unfair to expect her to go, Aaaagh, what are you doing?! to these women. But a deeper examination of what’s driving them and what this means, culturally, would not have been amiss. As it is, it reads a bit too innocuously like a trend story to me.
October 4, 2007 at 10:27 pm
I am so *proud* to have such a thinker for a brother. And by thinker, I mean someone who examines all sides of an issue and has opinions, and is willing to share them.
NungNung, perhaps I didn’t word my post as clearly as I could have. I was not indignant about the existence or the position of the article, but about the doctors performing such surgery, the phenomenon itself of Mommy Makeovers. That repulses me. I reacted without taking care to specify where my rage was directed.
I agree with Elizasmom that a deeper examination of the issue is needed, but I also applaud the author for bringing it a little more into the open. I did get the impression that she was also angered by the trend, but not that it’s a personal issue for her, as it is for me and many of my friends.
That said, I cannot belittle anyone who has chosen to undergo this sort of thing, because I know how real the societal pressure to look a certain way is. I am angry at the perpetuation by the media and those soul-less doctors who prey on women to make a buck. Or a million.
October 4, 2007 at 10:30 pm
And that Venus is awesome. I saw her at the Naturhistorisches Museum. I don’t think I paid much attention at the time.
October 5, 2007 at 1:56 am
I always thought, before I even knew there was such a thing as a “Mommy Job,” that after I had kids I’d want things ‘restored’ to their previous places. A nip and a tuck.
And now that I’ve had children? I’m so proud of my body. It bears beloved battlescars, physically apparent sacrifice. I love my body now more than I did before; it has purpose, it is divine.
It makes me sad to see other women responding to their bodies with the desire to make them sexual objects, rather than life-giving vessels. I just can’t believe we put up with it. I can’t believe we’re STILL putting up with it.
October 5, 2007 at 7:37 am
Well, it’s still the right of every person to make decisions about their own life, but in this case, I think the decision should necessarily be an informed one. The two things I would do to intervene here would be:
1. Work hard at spreading realistic ideals of body types through culture and media.
2. Require that Cosmetic surgeons show their patients full, uncut video of themselves performing the exact procedures that a woman is interested in having done.
That second one is really the least we could do to get people thinking a little more realistically. If you’ve ever seen even a short clip of cosmetic surgery being performed, I think you’ll understand why I suggest it; it’s a violent, violating, and disturbing process, and no woman should be allowed to go into it with blinders on.
Oh, and in case I wasn’t clear, the idea of selling cosmetic surgery “packages” is sickening to me. Elective surgery and advertising are a very tricky and dangerous mixture, and that is clearly taken advantage of here.
October 5, 2007 at 7:46 am
While I’m thinking about it, I decided in my ideal world I’d push #2 above a little further to avoid that being manipulated as well:
1. Require cosmetic surgeons to show full uncut video of themselves performing the exact procedure, but *it must be video of the very last time they did that procedure*, in order to avoid doctors putting together a “show-reel” that is choreographed and carefully performed to help their patients ignore some of the trauma.
2. That would have to include a requirement that *every* woman who gets an elective procedure done (i.e. not one required by medical necessity or an injury, congenital defect or the like) must sign a release allowing their procedure to be taped, and shown to other prospective patients.
That might work a little to discourage women from taking it so lightly.
October 5, 2007 at 8:29 am
I like the idea of trying to help people realize just how invasive cosmetic surgery is. From what I understand, it’s painful for a long time afterwards, and there’s no guarantee that you will get what you expect. One of my best friends had this done, though, and I think she’s pretty happy about it. The funny thing is that I was always jealous of her, even before she did it.
I just really wish there weren’t some ideal held up as the perfect way to be. Which reminds me, I came across this yesterday, too.
October 5, 2007 at 9:50 am
I put a finger on what is really bothering me: this is one more step in the war to divorce women from their bodies’ intended purpose.
October 5, 2007 at 10:26 am
I would have to amend that to say ONE of the intended purposes, another of which is to “house the spirit.” Actually, I just read into your comment what I thought you were saying, and that is that the female body is intended for procreation.
While I believe this is important, and that we as a species cannot survive without females donating their bodies to the cause, as it were, I believe that the human body, male and female, serves the purpose of refining the soul, whether you believe it is a God-given purpose, or simply a byproduct of being alive.
In which case, you’re still right.
October 5, 2007 at 7:00 pm
Plastic surgery has hijacked feminism, period. Now women think getting a boob job is a feminist act!
For years Sybil Goldrich worked in the trenches with NOW and Our Bodies Ourselves opposing breast implants. To see this happen is frankly outrageous.
She writes about it on the Beauty and the Breast blog.
October 5, 2007 at 8:47 pm
Sarah, what an amazing post. I don’t have a lot to say, because you said it so well. That vid terrifies me. I hope I can teach my daughter that her body is something amazing and powerful, not a decoration that needs to look the way some guy wants it to look.
October 7, 2007 at 6:23 pm
HERE HERE!
October 8, 2007 at 7:31 am
I read this some a couple of days ago and had so much to say I couldn’t begin. But Azúcar nailed it. It feels like one more attack on families and targeted at mothers. It still makes me mad just thinking about it.
Excellent post.
October 8, 2007 at 12:22 pm
Sarah, I meant it expansively. A Mommy Job reduces us to parts, a true objectification of our divine bodies.
October 8, 2007 at 5:18 pm
I agree with all that was said above, except one comment disturbed me. That was a comment about the soulless plastic surgeons that perform these procedures.
We all know that there are women who are unable to reconcile their current body with the image that society tells them they have to have. I think that is a very real and pitiable condition and that not everyone has the self esteem to overcome society’s ideals.
In that case, isn’t it wonderful that there are surgeons who can help them? My guess is not every surgeon is in it for the money – some of these people must genuinely want to help people.
October 8, 2007 at 6:29 pm
Yes, angelawd, I think it’s possible that there are surgeons that don’t exploit women as described in the article, but the “soulless” ones are the ones who really are in it for the money, and disregard the higher likelihood for complications and infections with more procedures being performed. They offer a package deal, increasing the likelihood of women getting more operations that they originally intended. They advise people who are consulting for breast implants that they are also good candidates for a tummy tuck. And what if that woman never considered that her tummy was less than desirable? My guess is that surgeon wasn’t trying to help that woman have a better life.
And if they really wanted to help people, wouldn’t they choose reconstructive surgery where they can help people who are burn or mauling victims? Or post-mastectomy women? I’m not saying that the average woman’s self-esteem regarding her body should be discounted, but I think that every surgeon who performs elective cosmetic surgery is fueling the fire of “there is one perfect body type.”
October 9, 2007 at 1:55 pm
Sarah, I totally agree. As a matter of fact, I recently did some writing work for a plastic surgeon, and wrote a blog post about it later. Just looking at all those procedures made me ask myself, “What’s wrong with my body?”
You can read it here: http://angelawd.wordpress.com/2007/09/14/whats-wrong-with-me/
October 16, 2007 at 7:09 pm
I think part of what disturbs me about the whole cosmetic surgery thing is that it asks women to sacrifice freedom of accomplishment for appearance. After a tummy tuck, a person has to use a walker for weeks because she can’t stand up straight without tearing stitches. I have seen women with (suspected) breast lifts who can’t fully swivel the way they used to. Botox and face lifts prevent a person from using the full range of facial expression. In order to look youthful, we would have to sacrifice something even more important and live smaller lives.
October 16, 2007 at 7:18 pm
Amen, Veronica. It turns you into something that’s not yourself.
October 18, 2007 at 9:17 am
[…] speaking of implants, here’s an excellent blog discussion about the trend in what they call Mommy Makeovers or “The Mom […]
March 30, 2008 at 5:39 pm
[…] York Times article on “The Mom Job” and an LDS blogger’s response (tip from […]
April 2, 2008 at 4:34 pm
Why would we as women want to be looked at as sex objects? That is all those women are is objects for lustful, sexual gratification. To be used and then disguarded when they are not usable anymore. Is our self worth so low that we will cash it in for fleeting moments of feeling we are worthy of lust.
I would imagine it gets very difficult to know if you are loved for anything more than how your skin hangs off your bones if you go to all lengths to look like the sex objects displayed in media. I don’t see what it would fix; only what it could destroy.
The grass is always greener . . . at least until you get a mouthful.
Ask yourself, do you really want to be part of a fantasy?
Say the surgery goes great and you indeed look like a “super model.” How sensitive are you going to become as to why your husband is interested in you? Does he love you as an actually living, breathing person or is he really into your implants? You put him in the situation of having to avoid looking at you as a sex object when you yourself seem to support the idea. It’s amazing the way you can get what you ask for sometimes. Be careful what you ask for.
I hate to break it to these people who only want to focus on skin but a lot of super models have sadly pathetic lives.
Get a grip people. There is so much more to life than looks. If you get stuck there you are going to miss so much richer, deeper, truly fulfilling experiences. Please, lets rise above the muck and spare the next generation of women the mental anguish of having self-esteem attached by a string to Hollywood!